2011- A Balancing Act

In an attempt at brutal honesty I apologize if I offend anyone...so here goes:

I have so many New Years Resolutions I don't know where to begin...seriously like 100....
* Lose a little weight
* Finally run that mini marathon
* Be a better wife
* Be a better mother
* Be a better daughter
* Spend more time with my nephew
* Get my work place organized so my dad can finally relax
* Spend more time with my grandmothers
* Be a better friend
* Cook more
* Continue getting my house organized
* Stop spending money on clothes and obsessing over material objects
* Be smarter financially
* Start back doing my yoga--down dog oh how I've missed you
* Read the Bible! seriously its on my nook..I have no excuse!

So if I accomplish all of these will I be a better person?? Will I be happy? I just don't know- I think I'm hoping these will lead to one thing-so my resolution in one word is to to find CONTENTMENT.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am a happy person, an eternal optimist, but my guilt is beginning to consume me. I never will forget a few years ago my MIL asked if I felt a lot of guilt and I laughed...guilt??? Why? Now, its ruling my life-not in an all I think about way, just in a little nagging back of my mind way. Want me to break it down for you?

A little about my lifestyle: Prebaby- run 3-4 times a week, yoga 3 times a week, weight training 2 times a week. Baby in belly- walk/jog 2 times a week, sporadic prenatal yoga. Post baby (aka present) NADA! You might remember me saying before running was my sanity-so what does that mean now?? It means my mind is mush-running clears it- I must get back to running..I just cannot find the time. The result-guilt. Running is something I do for me...I feel guilty running when I should be spending time with my baby girl.

So about that, I spend all day with Carsyn...ALL DAY. I love it on days we are home and can play and laugh in our pjs. On other days its notsofun. Just to clarify my situation I have worked with my dad running a small HVAC company since graduating in 2000. What started out as helping my dad til I could get a clothing store up and running turned into a full time demanding job. While its very rewarding its also kind of like being self employed-tricky for a pregnant gal and even trickier for a new mom. So 3 days a week I load up baby girl and get to work. Here is the typical day:
somewhere between 7 and 8- up and feed baby, walk dog, get dressed, load baby gear
10-11 arrive at work, baby may need fed again
11-12 get baby down for nap, put in swing or p & p
12-3 log in receivables, pay a few bills, pay subcontractors, make phone calls, order equipment, do some invoicing, do payroll, pay taxes, pray baby does not wake up
3-4 feed baby wait for help (aka mom) to arrive
4- help is here...back to work
5-6 head home
6-7 walk dog, pass baby to husband, cook dinner (rare), trip to grocery store (even more rare), play with baby, collapse on sofa and pray for baby catnap
7-8:30 feed baby, feed dog, bath baby, bath dog (very extremely rare), put baby to bed, eat dinner

So, in my attempt to actually get some work done so my dad does not stroke out I totally neglect my child. I am honestly thinking, Carsyn just be good today so mommy can work..horrible, I know, but I just cannot find a balance here. If I play with Carsyn while I'm there I feel like I'm neglecting work and if I work while she's wanting attention I feel like I'm letting my daughter down. Sometimes I feel it would be so nice to just drop Carsyn off somewhere and get some work done...then dad tells me he'll put in more hours so I can stay home more...its just a situation I cannot figure out. We are hoping I can start working from home more.

Onto being a better mother. I feel like I've spent so much time getting Carsyn to be a good sleeper and happy baby I've neglected some aspects. She really should weigh a little more and have better head control. She HATES her tummy time so instead of forcing her I just let her off the hook. As far as eating, the kid is just not hungry! I know that is no excuse and I have started her on rice cereal and hope she picks up a little weight before her 4 month checkup. I find myself comparing her to other babies and beating myself up. I LOVE reading blogs, but find myself doing a baby comparison....should Carsyn be doing this, or eating this, or sleeping like this??

My weakness has always been clothes, but at this point in life I would like to quit focusing so much on what to wear. I mean honestly, I can work in my pjs most days. I am hoping to focus less on saving for a new outfit or new Louis in 2011. While part of me feels I work hard and deserve nice things the other feels like sometimes I'm wrapped up in stuff. My FIL recently said if you don't have family you don't have anything. Well he might have used a few more choice words, but that pretty much sums it up. I want to focus 2011 on building better relationships and enjoying precious time with family-especially the hubby. Having a baby definitely has changed our relationship and I'm hoping we can find more time for each other this year.

I am hoping to take it easy this year and not stress so much...my baby is happy and healthy, my loved ones are doing well, and I have so much love in my life I have nothing to complain about. I hope 2011 is your best year yet, I have a feeling it will be mine ;)