When I found out little Hank was in my belly my first emotion was feeling terrified of being responsible for two little humans. W and I would joke when Carsyn was being particularly needy and say "what are we going to DO?!" We're adjusting to being a family of four quite nicely and our days are flowing pretty smoothly. Boy, did it take a lot of growing to get here.
W and I were married in 2000. Carsyn was born in 2010. We had 10 long years of fulfilling our selfish desires. I should probably add I had 10 years of selfishness. W has always worked really long and really hard hours and if there's one trait that stands out about him its his lack of selfishness. Its just not in him. I worked alongside my dad nearly every day and learned a lot about running a business. He gave me time off if needed, but I put in my hours and endured the stress of managing a small company. Definitely not unbearable but somewhat challenging. During the week I'd get home from work, go for a run and prepare dinner. We'd watch tv and cuddle with the dog. Summer weekends were carefree and spent at the lake. We spent summer vacations sipping mixed drinks at noon, W playing copious amounts of golf and me getting tan as a pasty white girl could. I spent lots of weekends shopping with my favorite girls-not worried about not having room for shopping bags because a double stroller encompassed by entire trunk space.
Those things didn't come to a screeching halt when Carsyn arrived. I had to adjust, but shopping trips just became funner with a sidekick. Running still occurred, just less frequently and while pushing a jogging stroller. But, Carsyn taught me patience. A trait I still don't possess but work on every day. Just this week she was hurling her bath time toys in the tub and her doll bounced off my head and I lost my patience. I'm embarrassed when I lose my patience with her, but I've learned to take deep breaths before flying off the handle.
I've learned "one more story" won't end the world.
I've learned taking an hour to have lunch out is fun.
I've learned the potty process is trying and no matter when the books say she'll be ready I'LL know when she's ready....because she'll tell me she is.
I've learned packing for a trip will take a week...an extensive list making.
Hank was an easier adjustment than I thought it would be. I really thought once he came along I'd become a poster child for agoraphobia. That being said some things are harder than I imagined. Do you know it takes me at least 2 hours to get out the door in the mornings? And have you seen me? I'm not put together folks? I'm a hot mess 75% of the time.
Funny thing is I'm becoming proud of being a hot mess. Forgetting purple paci and having to drive back home to get it. Been there. Running out of diapers and letting Hank rock big sis's size 4s? Yep, guilty. For me, being a mom of two is teaching me a little about selflessness. Well, a lot about selflessness if I'm being honest. How about brutal honesty? Sometimes I go 4 days in a row without a stitch of makeup or washing my hair. Why? Because frankly, that's just 30 minutes I want to spend with my children. My children that make me look at the clock at noon and count the minutes to naptime. The same munchkins that sometimes make me count the hours til bedtime after they wake up from their naps, but have me creeping in their rooms and missing them like crazy after they're asleep. Gosh, I love my littles. And I'd love to say that this is the life I dreamed of, but I never dreamed in a million years I'd be here. That I'd be lucky enough to be here.
You'll likely hear me say two is hard; especially when they're close in age. You might overhear me say I need some quiet time or I'm feeling overwhelmed. But if you were to creep in my house you'd see towels that need folding. You'd see windows with tiny little handprints. You'd see a Mad Men DVD set collecting dust. But you'd also see a certain toddler snuggled on the sofa with momma watching Mickey, not Real Housewives. You'd see a little mister being rocked to sleep. You might even see a computer screen with a blinking cursor left abandoned. And a stack of magazines- Instyle, Veranda, and Southern Living that lay unopened and unbookmarked.
I'm not mother of the year. But I saw on pinterest (yes, I use it for something other than planning OOTDs) there's no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one. I'm not a selfless person by any means. I'm currently in my happy little home office space listening to the lumineers and having some quality imac time. That's selfish, right? But I'm learning, and growing into a person I'm proud to be.
(Thanks Laura, for always inspiring me..to be a better friend...and a better mom.)
(Thanks Rosie for the adorable bathrobes)