Thursday, May 10, 2012

Fear of the Unknown

I remember being terrified while pregnant with Carsyn.  Quite frankly just afraid of everything from going into labor to how in the world was I going to take care of a little one.  This time around things are quite different.  I am concerned about adjusting as a mommy to 2.  How am I going to deal with sleep deprivation and breast feeding again?   But honestly my concern now is mostly for Carsyn.  How's she going to deal with being a big sister.  How on earth am I going to give her all the attention she deserves with a precious baby boy clinging to me??

Not so long ago I could not walk out of a room without a shrill "moommmmmy" cry. At the time it was painful. I had to leave knowing Carsyn was crying after me...wondering how long before she settled down. In her mind did she wonder if I was coming back? Lately when I leave I get more of a nonchalant "bye mommy." I'd be lying if I said it wasn't slightly disappointing, but its a bit of a relief as well.

I was telling the hubby last night I didn't get as many compliments on my mothering from him as I used to. True, my insecurities aren't as plentiful, but compliments are always nice to hear! He said Carsyn's love for me should be all I need. You know, he's right. She completely adores me in spite of the times I lose my patience with her.  If I'm sitting in the floor she'll come and plop herself down in my lap.  She'll hug me with both little arms now and I melt. 

When the new addition comes along am I going to be able to divide by love equally? Is she going to be jealous of him and hurt by me?   Is she going to have the love for mommy she has now?  My heart already breaks for her in some ways though I know having a sibling is the best thing in the world!

My number one goal in life is to be a good mother.  I lose sight of this from time to time, but luckily Carsyn keeps me in check.  I pray to God to give me guidance and wisdom.  Please let me adjust to mothering two little babes.  Please let them feel equally loved and blessed and more importantly love each other.

I cannot wait to be a family of four!  I hope I can live up to the task.


  1. I don't know how momma's of more than one do it, but they say your heart just opens up and you have more love to give. I bet Carsyn is going to do just great as a big sister...and you're going to do just wonderfully as being a mom- of 2! It'll be a change, but do you even remember life before carsyn??? That's right...they just fit right in and you feel like you've never been without them. I'm sure baby boy will do this too! You'll do great girl! I'm excited to watch you do it!

  2. As the time draws closer, I find myself worrying more and more about becoming a mom of 2, especially 2 under 2. Everyone tells me that as soon as that precious newborn is placed on you, your heart just opens up more than you ever dreamed possible and there is plenty of love for both. I know that giving Mason a sibling is one of the best things I can do for him and I am so excited to see him become a big brother. We will get through this and I think we will both surprise ourselves! I am so excited to see you go through this journey as well. You will do great!

  3. You are going to be an awesome mommy of 2! I'm sure Caryson will have an adjustment period but you'll both figure out a rhythm that works. I am eager to learn from you, Laura, Lynsey, and AP on how to handle life with 2!

    1. Please, we both know I have no idea what I'm doing ;) LOL xoxo!

  4. You are a GREAT mama to Carsyn and will be a great mama to 2! I'm thinking it will take a little while to get a routine down, but once that happens, I think we will be fine. Maybe I'm overly optimistic? :)

    I worry more about G than about having a newborn. I am afraid he will be bored those first 6 weeks before MDO starts & I don't want him to feel any less loved. I just keep telling myself that he is getting a lifelong best friend & I pray that he loves Griffin!

  5. This such a sweet and meaningful post. I have the same insecurities and am not even pregnant with baby #2. It's so hard to know how your only child...your first going to react to the scares me too!!! Like elizabeth said above, I'm very eager too to learn from you guys!!!

  6. This post made me cry. I know you have worries, but everything will be more wonderful than you ever could have imagined. I can't wait to see the 2 of them playing with one another. I know they will be hilarious together! Carsyn will always adore you and she will someday be grateful you gave her a brother.

  7. I pray that same prayer every night, friend. Every single night. I cannot even tell you how much anxiety I have over what life will be like )for Carter) when M2 arrives. I actually have a post scheduled to go up tomorrow morning with my thoughts.. and freakouts.. on the subject. I just hate the unknown. I hate that I feel like I'm "robbing" Carter of his Mommy.. at least for a little while. I know a day will come when we'll both look back and wonder HOW we ever function as just a family of three.. but that doesn't make my mom-heart hurt any less! I'm so thankful for you and for the other Bloggy Mamas that will be going through the same trials! I forsee lots of emails and skype dates this summer ;) Hugs, hugs, hugs! Love you!!!